everything and nothing

maybe he would have been a beautiful boy.
do you think he'd have had your brown eyes?
i know he'd have your smile.

you're playing this out of tune guitar, and i'm sitting across the room. the music is bittersweet. you can't really play the guitar but you've got pretty fingers and you're shining in the pre-dawn light that filters though the gaps in my curtains. i'm shaking and you ask if i'm alright, and i tell you i'm just cold. you place the guitar on the ground next to you and crawl towards me, across the field of clothes and tissues that litter my bedroom floor. we lie down together and i close my eyes but everything is so quiet. the room seems empty without your music.

maybe he'd have your tanned skin
with your thick hair and skinny legs.
he'd have your laugh; the one i love.

its raining and the water in your mother's pool stings our bare feet but i take off my clothes anyway. i guide you; my pinky finger wrapped around your index finger and pull you gently down the steps into the freezing water. its blue, but its an unnatural, sickly shade of blue. my hair is wet and you've got beads of water on your eyelashes that are sparkling in the moonlight and as i pull you deeper and deeper the water gets darker and darker and i feel like i've only ever existed here. i don't mind though, my feet and fingers and mind are numb and all i can see is you.

or maybe he won't have anything
anything at all.